04/01/2026
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)—PENTAGON: ALIENS ARE REAL, AND THEY CAME TO EARTH FOR MITTEN PIZZA
April 1, 2026—In a bombshell announcement today, the Pentagon confirmed the existence of extraterrestrials.
“We learned from our new interstellar friends that what brought them to earth was the desire for delicious artisan pizza from The Mitten and NOT an interest in our nuclear weapons capacity as was previously thought,” said a Pentagon spokesman.
The spokesman then read from a prepared statement from designated alien representative Gorak, stating:
“I don’t know how you guys didn’t get that. I mean, all of those crop circles we made were pizza-shaped,” said the gray, smooth-skinned, intergalactic being. “We even built our flying “saucers,” as you call them, in the shape of a delectable, oven-baked pizza. Pretty obvious, if you ask me.”
“We have long been watching from the Andromeda Galaxy, waiting to make our presence known until gourmet pizza oozing with ooey-gooey mozzarella cheese was finally mastered. When Mitten Pizza opened in 2021 (earth time), we set our phasers to “yum” and headed your way.”
“Our “night” is your “day,” so when the Mitten was closed overnight, we killed some time by probing people out in the middle of nowhere. As it turns out, there are limits to what you can learn from that. Plus, it's kinda gross.”
“The Westerdog is literally out of this world,” continued Gorak, “but I am here today to join our earth brothers and sisters in insisting that the Chicken and Waffles pizza be added back to the menu, permanently."
“We are prepared to use our trans-medium laser weapons if it comes to that, but we hope it won’t be necessary.”
This is a developing story.
