05/07/2026
💥 The May Specials: Dungeon Crawler Edition
Carl’s Doomsday Latte
Hot Honey, Dark Mocha, Cold Foam, Sprinkle of Cayenne
System Note: "GOD DAMMIT, CARL!" This drink is like a literal explosion in your mouth. The dark mocha provides the gloom of the lower levels, while the hot honey and cayenne kick like a well-placed explosive charge.
Buff: +5 to Constitution, but you lose your shoes.
Princess Donut Latte
White Mocha, Shortbread, Maple, Powdered Sugar Cold Foam, Cinnamon
System Note: For the GC, BWR, NWL Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chinchilla. This latte is elegant, sophisticated, and vastly superior to anything a "mongrel" would drink. It’s sweet, fluffy, and demands your undivided attention.
Buff: +10 to Charisma; unlocks the "Magical Missile" ability (only against cocker spaniels).
Mordecai’s Special Brew
Caramel, Toffee Nut, Maple Cold Foam or Whip
System Note: A drink for a manager who has seen too much. It’s rich, nutty, and grounded—perfect for when you need to explain complex floor mechanics to a guy in his boxers.
Effect: Grants "Stressed Manager" clarity and a temporary resistance to change-induced migraines.
Mommy’s Special Boy Matcha
White Mocha, Orange, Vanilla
System Note: Don't let the name fool you; this matcha is as sharp as a goat’s horn. The citrusy orange and smooth vanilla make for a complex flavor profile that screams "I have a very complicated relationship with my mother."
Warning: May cause spontaneous screaming.
Dirty Shirley Chai
Chai, Cherry, Espresso
System Note: It’s spicy, it’s caffeinated, and it’s got a cherry on top. Just like a floor boss, it hits you fast and leaves a lasting impression. The espresso shot is the "dirty" secret to surviving the next wave of mobs.
Mongo Mango Lemonade
Lime, Mango, Lemonade
System Note: Mongo is appalled that you haven't tried this yet! This refreshing, tropical blast is the perfect fuel for a prehistoric killing machine—or just someone who really likes dinosaurs and citrus.
Anarchist Americano
Dark Mocha Americano (Hot or Iced)
System Note: Simple. Direct. Anti-establishment. This isn't your standard corporate coffee; the dark mocha adds a layer of grit for the crawler who plans on taking down the entire system, one sip at a time.
🚨 SPECIAL OFFER: PONY STYLE (+ $15)
“Comes w/ a weird hug and a loud scream in your ear.”
System Warning: Achievement Unlocked: Personal Space Violation. Proceed at your own risk. The System does not provide refunds for ruptured eardrums or emotional trauma.
Which one of these are you brave enough to try first?
Best Coffee Shop in Historic Olde Towne Portsmouth. Offering delicious drinks, breakfast & lunch.
