When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the caffinated bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the coffee, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Gods drink entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all coffee drinkers are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Good coffee without the liberalism. — That to secure these rights, coffee houses are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the connoisseurs, — That whenever any Form of Baristaism becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new coffee company , laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their enjoyment and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Coffee’s long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that bad coffee drinkers are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the liberal coffee shops to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Liberal Coffee Shop, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Conservative Coffee Drinkers; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former choices of Coffee Establishment. The history of the present Liberal Coffee Scene is a history of repeated Liberalism and immoral stances, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Coffee Tyranny over those who enjoy coffee. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
The Liberal Coffee World has refused its Assent to morality, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
Liberal Coffee Companies haave forbidden their employees to be conservative and pressing the importance of liberalism.
Liberal Coffee Companies have refused to pass other rules for the accommodation of large districts of Conservative coffee drinkers, unless those people would relinquish the right of conservatism in the community, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
The Liberal Coffee Companies have called together Conservative employees, stockholders and Board members at places unusual, uncomfortable, and ridiculous, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with their liberal measures.
The Liberal Coffee Companies have dissolved Conservative Values repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness the invasions on the rights of the coffee drinkers.
The Liberal Coffee Companies have refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause conservatives discomfort, whereby the Large corporation, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the Coffee Drinkers at large for their exercise; the remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of Liberalism.
The Libreal Coffee Companies have engaged in activities to prevent the population of these Conservatives; for that purpose obstructing the enjoyment of drinking coffee; refusing to encourage Conservative Ideas, and raising the conditions of new immoral policies.
The Liberal Coffee Companies have obstructed the Laws of nature of humanity by refusing gods existence and the word of God.
The Liberal Coffee Companies have made coffee drinkers dependent on their Liberal dens alone for their access to coffee, and the amount and payment of their coffee.
The Liberal Coffee Companies have erected a multitude of New Coffee Shops, and sent hither swarms of Baristas to harass our Conservative people and eat out their substance.
The Liberal Coffee Companies have kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies of Liberal groups like ANTIFA without the Consent of the Coffee Drinkers.
Liberal Coffee Companies have affected to render the Liberals independent of and superior to the power of god.
Liberal Coffee Companies have combined with others to subject us to a liberal immoral agenda foreign to our beliefs, and unacknowledged by our thoughts; giving their coffee drinkers to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For quartering large bodies of liberal nutbags among us:
For protecting them, by a lack of punishment for any immoral deeds which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these coffee shops:
For cutting off our media with all parts of the conservative world:
For imposing liberalism on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of rational thought and reality:
For transporting us beyond reality to be tried for pretended offences:
For abolishing the Laws of God in all coffee shops, establishing therein an Arbitrary atheist belief system, and enlarging its liberalism so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Coffee houses.
For taking away our Beliefs, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Belief systems:
For suspending our own ability to be Conservative, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all political cases whatsoever.
Liberal Coffee Companies have abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of their Protection and waging War against us.
Liberalism has plundered our social media, ravaged our inner cities, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
liberalism is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Coffee of a civilized nation.
Liberal Coffee has constrained our fellow Conserrvative Citizens taken Captive on the internet to bear ideas against their Liberalism, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
Liberal Coffee has excited domestic Liberals amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our country, the merciless Liberal neophytes whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Liberal Coffee Company, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free Coffee Drinking people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Liberal brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their Drinkers to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Coffee Drinkers of the United States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these States, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Coffee Drinkers are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent Drinkers, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Liberal Coffee, and that all political connection between them and the State of Liberalism, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free Coffee Drinkers, they have full Power to Drink Coffee, Watch Conservative News, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Coffee Drinkers may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred COFFEE.
