06/30/2026
911 TRANSCRIPT — “IT’S TOO DAMN HOT”
DISPATCH: 911, what’s your emergency?
CALLER: Ma’am I ain’t got an emergency, I got a situation. It is TOO. DAMN. HOT. I’m sweatin’ in places I didn’t even know had sweat glands.
DISPATCH: Sir, the temperature is high today, but that’s not—
CALLER: High? HIGH? My mailbox is leanin’ over like it’s tryin’ to find shade. My dog done laid down in the kiddie pool and refused to come out. He said he’s claimin’ it as sovereign territory.
DISPATCH: …Your dog said that?
CALLER: He barked it with authority. That’s legally binding in this county.
DISPATCH: Sir, do you need medical assistance?
CALLER: I need y’all to send somebody with a cold front. A breeze. A church fan. SOMETHIN’. My AC is blowin’ air that feels like somebody exhalin’ on me after eatin’ hot wings.
DISPATCH: Have you tried staying hydrated?
CALLER: Hydrated? I drank so much water I’m basically a human aquarium. I’m sloshin’ when I walk. My thighs sound like two wet balloons fightin’ for custody.
DISPATCH: Sir, this line is for emergencies only.
CALLER: THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. I opened my front door and the heat slapped me like I owed it money. My flip-flops melted into the driveway. I’m barefoot and spiritually defeated.
DISPATCH: …Sir—
CALLER: My neighbor Earl tried to fry an egg on his hood as a joke. It cooked. It COOKED, ma’am. He ate it. He said it tasted like despair.
DISPATCH: Sir, unless you are in danger—
CALLER: I AM IN DANGER. I’m one degree away from turnin’ into a rotisserie chicken. If I pass out, bury me in the freezer aisle at Piggly Wiggly.
DISPATCH: Sir, please stop calling 911 for weather complaints.
CALLER: Fine. But if I melt into a puddle, that’s on y’all. Tell my family I loved them and tell Earl to stop cookin’ hood eggs.
DISPATCH: Goodbye, sir.
CALLER: SEND A BREEZE.
