09/17/2026
As the holidays are approaching, most of you will be drinking more often… Here are some revised tips for everyone when visiting your local bar.
1. Bartenders can hear everything you say when you are sitting at the bar. You’ve been drinking. You’ve lost all ability to whisper. We know all of your secrets so tip well.
2. If your bartender is busy, that’s probably not a good time to force them to look through 83 pictures of your first born grandsons 3rd birthday party. And for the love of God do not tell us that the baby has some du***ss name. We don’t have the ability to pretend all day so chances are, unfortunately, that we’re going to hurt your feelings.
3. When you flag a bartender down, you better make sure you’re ready to order. You have three seconds before we hate you.
4. If you’re between the ages of 21-27, learn how to tip. You want to buy your friends shots of Patron, but then you tip like you’re broke. Knock that s**t off. Parents teach your children better.
5. While we’re on the subject; parents teach your kids how to drink. Your sons should never think it’s ok to order a w**e cooler or an Amaretto Sour for themselves. This type of nonsense is an embarrassment to the family and a direct reflection of bad parenting.
6. Teach your daughters how to drink as well. Show them what their limits are before letting them drink in public. If you do not, then we have to deal with your little dumb Alexis that has cashed out 5 times, tipped like s**t, has now pi**ed her pants, and is so drunk she’s speaking cursive but she’s going home anyway with some guy she just met named Braddd. Do better.
Hugs & Love, April
