Plaid Coffee Roasters

10/12/2026

Agent Double-O-Nessie

10/11/2026

10/05/2026

Very little fruit is forbidden
Sometimes we wobble, sometimes we're strong

10/04/2026

Guilty feet have got no rhythm.

10/03/2026

I know this topic has been beaten to death lately, but something needs to be said. Money is not the solution to our Plaid Coffee problem. I announce my willingness to face any consequences that may arise as a result of my decision to make known the following facts, facts such as that facts are stubborn things. Whatever may be our wishes, our inclination, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence—facts such as that my position is that Plaid Coffee is a supporter of everything that was trendy in America in the 1960s—the marvelous effects of L*D and other psychedelic drugs, pyramid power, various oriental religious cults, transcendental meditation, UFOs and extraterrestrials, CIA conspiracies, you name it. It, in contrast, argues that the perverse is wonderful, the ugly is beautiful, traditional good is oppressive, and common sense is outmoded. This disagreement merely scratches the surface of the ideological chasm festering between me and Plaid Coffee. The only rational way to bridge this chasm is for it to admit that I’ve observed at least one of its menials stirring up class hatred. This is entirely indicative of the unprofessional, ungracious, and unacceptable behavior that is so endemic to Plaid Coffee’s phalanx of abominable loons. The message underlying Plaid Coffee’s snitty, jejune hot takes is clear: Young people must learn to despise their nation. They must resent and reject their past; possess an aggressive, contemptuous, and disobedient attitude toward the present; and strive forcefully to create a triumphant future in which Plaid Coffee finally is free to put a smiley face on jingoism, transforming society’s views of it from condemnation to acceptance. One thing is certain: I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people. I can therefore assure you that its unpatriotic form of caciquism is like a forest fire. Once it is started, none can set bounds to the resulting conflagration.

10/02/2026

It's liquid, you can call it whatever.

10/01/2026

Our new temporary spokesperson coffee cyclops will be chiming in from time to time.

09/30/2026

It's the one conspiracy theory we really believe in.

09/29/2026

"Before next fall, you're in need of a serious attitude adjustment, young man. You'd better get your priorities straight."