06/04/2026
I Made The Choice That Felt Right, But Now Everyone Is Angry ๐ค (full story๐๐ฌ)
AITA for refusing my sisters offer to pay for the gender reveal scan?
So my girlfriend [F26] and I [M29] found out in August that we were going to be parents to our first child. Generally, everyone was very happy about the news. However because of the shock I felt at the time (it wasn't planned), I called my mother for reassurance and it helped. She wasn't happy I told her over a phone call which I understand and am likely an AH for. I apologised and we put it behind us.
My sister has been supportive, she helped us move to a new house, wanted to take my partner out baby shopping in a few weeks. However, my mother was less helpful. We had a facetime mid August about housing options, then my mother randomly asked me about if my partner was on the pill. I said yes and I've seen her take it, and she asked if I was sure. Almost like she was insinuating that I was baby trapped.
I have had worries about my sister. I'm happy she's excited but I feel sometimes she's too much. She was talking about having the baby every weekend so we could do stuff as a couple, and I said we have to consider both families. She was also concerned about us moving a bit closer to my girlfriend's family than mine. She said I wouldn't get as much support and questioned the support from my partner's as her mother lives 2 hours away. I said she comes down every weekend to look after her mother with dementia, we'll be fine.
My sister offered to pay for our gender reveal scan. We both thought this was a lovely gesture and said yes. My sister understandably wanted to come because she's paying for it. My sister told me that the one she was booking allowed up to five people to come and suggested we bring my mum along. I then said if she's coming, then my girlfriend's mum should come too. She disagreed because it's the only involvement they'll have during the pregnancy and my girlfriend's family will be at other events. We said it's not about who we're including, it's about having support during a personal appointment, and my girlfriend doesn't want only all my family there. My mum previously said either it's just my family or no scan. I said fine, we'll pay for it ourselves. My sister then messaged my girlfriend to explain her reasoning which left her in tears. She also said my family like to do things separate and they're a bit antisocial. They think meeting my girlfriend's mum at the scan will be awkward. We think this kind of reasoning is selfish and not putting our wishes first.
My mum and sister are getting me to understand their reasoning. I do understand it, I just don't agree with it. My girlfriend's mum isn't bothered by them not wanting her there, just more by how it's affected us. She told me not to worry about them and hugged me. She said she's happy to pay for it and for me to invite whoever I want.
This is a post here because despite many agreements about our side of things, I have doubt because my sister was going to pay for it. And I was considering my dad but my girlfriend's mum believes that would anger my family. AITA?
EDIT: To elaborate on a few things. The phone call with my mum, it wasn't an initial reaction of how dare I tell her on the phone, she was happy, said congrats based on if we were deciding to keep it at the time. It was only found out she wasn't too happy when we recorded my sister's reaction and at this event, I told my mother that I was driving to my dad's to see him the next day. My mum doesn't think my dad does enough for me. We see each other rarely in person (maybe like once or twice a year) but we get on fine. It was his first time being a grandfather and my mother's 4th time. My sister has 3 kids already. She's desperate for a 4th of her own but my BIL keeps telling her no. My mum when I mentioned this suggested just facetiming him but I said no, and then she said "so he gets a live surprise and I get a phone call?" I told her I needed initial support and sorry she found out this way.
People have asked what's the situation with my dad. Him and my mum have been divorced for 24 years. He wasn't the kindest to my mother at the time and I had a stepmother who kept driving a wedge between my dad and I who has been out of the picture for a few years now. I've told him about this situation and he thinks they're being ridiculous.
I get people telling me I need a backbone and yeah it's something I've worked harder in therapy to get over. To provide a little backstory, I was an impressionable kid who was suspected of autism at a young age, my mum refused to take me to get assessed because she felt at the time that I should learn alongside the other neurotypical kids. This obviously didn't work because I constantly questioned myself, and with the aid of people like my sister reminding me of little mistakes I made, it continued to knock my confidence back. It was only until a breakup which happened when I was 23 and a downward spiral of depression did I get more help. Doctors said I didn't have autism but more anxiety. Mum and sister insist I do because they think I'll get more support. But linking it with stuff in this post, it feels like grooming. And I have pushed back on several occasions to just let me be. I'd get comments about how something I did was an autistic thing which I said stop to. My sister has two kids diagnosed with autism and one kid with ADHD, and she works for an autism charity. I went on prozac after being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was also with an ex at a different time and saw subtle controlling methods through that and we didn't work out afterwards. That was something my family helped me through, but I'm getting that narcissistic people can often not get along with other narcissistic people because they'll try and expose the other person to make themselves look better. So my growing up was conflicted because on one hand, there was nitpicking and on the other, care that seemed genuine. My mum has also suffered abusive relationships and grieved through the death of a partner, so I pinned weird behaviour on that. Same with my sister who had a stillbirth. There's a comment somewhere in here which explains a list of stuff my sister did a few years ago which stopped her going to my mum and stepdad's wedding. And now I'm with a beautiful human being to start a family with, and while it's a shame my family couldn't be cooperative and understanding, she and our baby come first and we need each other first and foremost. No one is dictating to us about who cares for them or anything else.
I called my mum out for what she said about the babytrap, she apologised to me but not to my partner (who overheard the conversation). Ever since then she's been distant. Writing this now, I'm wondering to myself why I'm even letting her come to the scan if my partner's mum comes after her behaviour. My mum back pedals a lot, says something that would annoy or upset someone and then says it was a joke. I have since told her there was back pedaling but she's denied it.
My mum's weird views on separating from my partner's family stems from her own anxiety I believe. We believe she's on the spectrum but she's in denial about it. We've seen moments of her having some sensory overload moments, being obsessed with specific topics (mostly c__spiracy theories), lack of a filter at times and struggle to see things from others' point of view. My sister I believe wants to be seen as the best guardian (very possibly parents) and sees her family as a threat.
