16/06/2026
HELP NEEDED.
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MISSING HAGGIS ALERT
A Scottish supporter has issued an urgent appeal to the people of Boston after his pet haggis, Sh***er, disappeared during the early hours following the post match celebrations.
The furry creature was last seen leaving a waterfront bar carrying what witnesses described as "three miniature bottles of whisky, a tiny traffic cone, and the unmistakable look of a haggis on the pull."
The owner admits he became concerned when Sh***er failed to return by sunrise, explaining that while the haggis is generally friendly, "he's got a habit of following whisky, bad ideas, and often heads off to 'impress' the wild female haggis back home."
Concern is growing after multiple sightings placed Sh***er near a wooded area on the outskirts of the city, in what locals have confirmed is a well known beaver habitat.
Other Scots have since offered their opinion.
"Look, haggis are a lot like their owners," explained one supporter. "They enjoy a good drink, a good laugh, and they're definitely known for chasing beaver whenever the opportunity presents itself."
A £1,000 reward for any information leading to Sh***er's safe return has now been issued.
At the time of writing, Sh***er remains at large and is considered either heavily intoxicated or simply all sha # out.
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