10/09/2026
Following up on my last few posts about Tristan. This will probably sound controversial to some, but trust me when I say I support every family’s right to choose what works best for their kids. What works for one child may not work for another.
But what I practiced with Tristan last week was, at its core, ABA. I withheld his iPad to reinforce that he needed to ride the bus and attend school before getting it. And for a few days, it worked.
Until yesterday.
The extreme anxiety returned. As soon as Tristan saw the bus, he bolted into the house, took his shoes off, and handed me his iPad.
And in that moment, something clicked.
The iPad was never the motivation behind this. He willingly handed it over. He wasn’t trying to negotiate with me. He was visibly distressed.
So we talked. I put him in my car, turned on his favorite soundtrack, and we drove to school. He was calm and happy, and he successfully completed his day.
Then came time to get on the bus. He got on, immediately got back off, and bolted straight back into the school.
And you know what? As stressful as this is for me, I can’t even be upset with him.
He’s trying to communicate something to me. I just haven’t figured out what it is yet.
Maybe the bus is too loud. Maybe he’s afraid of the dark because it's so early when he leaves. Maybe something happened that he can’t tell me about. I genuinely don’t know. He can’t explain it with words, but his expressions and behaviors are telling me something isn’t right.
And as the mother of a non-speaking child, I have a responsibility to listen.
So I’m changing my approach. No more using compliance-based tactics to force him onto that bus. We can work toward getting him to school without making him feel like he has no say in what happens to him.
Tristan deserves to feel like he has some control and choices in his own life. His voice may not come through spoken words, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one.
Think about it. If a neurotypical person felt genuinely anxious or unsafe in a situation, we’d expect them to be able to express that, explain why, and advocate for themselves. We wouldn’t automatically assume they were being defiant just because they refused to participate.
Why should my son be held to a different standard simply because he can’t tell me what’s wrong?
I don’t know if the bus itself is the problem. I don’t know if this is a temporary fear or something bigger, and honestly Autism is basically just a guessing game, and I still have to figure out how to get him to school consistently and safely.
What I do know is that forcing compliance isn’t going to be my first response when my child is showing me that something feels wrong.
My job isn’t just to teach Tristan how to navigate the world. It’s also to make sure he knows that when something in that world scares him, his mom will listen.
Regardless of ability or diagnosis, my son will always have the right to communicate discomfort, to have choices, and to have his felt safety taken seriously.
Even when I don’t understand what he’s trying to tell me yet, I can choose to listen.
And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. ❤️
